I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
