Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize