he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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