worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
