Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
