i may or may not be watching the land before time
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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