There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
