If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
