Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She swung at the pinata with crutches
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
