There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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