It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
