I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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