Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize