She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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