I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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