WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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