I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
