I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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