highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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