He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
