Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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