grandma shit on top of the toilet
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
