the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
