my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize