rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
