I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
