bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
