i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
