I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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