i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How does one acquire holy water?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize