rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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