I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
