Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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