Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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