woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
