yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
