ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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