So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
