$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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