so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
