Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
