Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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