Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
should my penis look like a turkey
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
