Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
