she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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