She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
