apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
