you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize