Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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