Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
