the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
