I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
