3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
