Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize