Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
