when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
