3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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